SC: More Like Steak
by Lunar Maelstrom
Summary: Because ‘well done’ and ‘rare’ should not be synonymous but rather on almost-opposite ends of the spectrum of fanfiction. And I'm joining the crusade against horrible fanfiction on the SC side of things.
1. In Which Amu Stutters

**A/N:** I'd been reading quite a few guides and one non-guide recently. They were hilarious and very enjoyable. So, because I couldn't sleep last night and have been having a small writer's block for my other story, I thought that I'd attempt one myself. Because although I've had the good sense to try and only read stories with adequate grammar in the summaries, I've come across quite a few things that need correcting.

**More Like Steak:** Because 'well done' and 'rare' should not be synonymous but rather on almost-opposite ends of the spectrum of fanfiction. And of course, there are vegetarians (who seem to hate vegetables for some unfathomable reason) who will criticise those who like some wholesome meat. So I say, bring the flamethrowers on. If you want to improve or are just plain bored, come and read this all-purpose somewhat-guide.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Shugo Chara! or most of the fanfics to be parodied here.

~*~

**In Which Amu Stutters**

Ikuto Tsukiyomi, being the adorable blue-haired, purple-eyed (no, it isn't sacrilege to use the words 'blue' and 'purple') paedophile of a stalker that he is, decided randomly one night to visit some twelve-year-old's bedroom. No mention of his clothing is made, but we assume that his clothing is the usual black outfit he dons outside of school. Being eighteen and what millions of girls around the world claim a 'hunk', he had nothing better to do of course. Either that or the author was too lazy or unimaginative to come up with a less generic and creepy way for magical Amuto to happen. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

So Ikuto, not noticing that Yoru seemed to be absent for some reason or other, climbed up into somebody else's balcony and broke several laws regarding trespassing, privacy and underage children. He saw the pink-haired Amu (yes,_ pink_) seated at her desk and attempting to complete her homework. Around this time of night, she never, ever did anything else since elementary school students always had a crapload of undoable homework and took up all available hours from arriving home to the time she fell into bed. No mention of _her_ clothing is made either, but we assume that it's something pink and fluffy since she'd had a one-eighty turn in personality since the start of the series. Oh, and her Chara were off somewhere, possibly with Yoru, in anticipation for the Amuto moment. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

And naturally, Amu didn't learn by now that Ikuto was prone to what I shall call midnight strolls for the sake of poetic satisfaction when it isn't anywhere near midnight. Let's add in a note around here that the moon was shining beautifully since SC's animated series never really touches on the fact that the moon has _phases_. No, full moon all the way. If it's romantic, then it's there. Well, since it was such a lovely night and Amu is more forgetful than a llama, the balcony door wasn't locked. Ikuto saw his chance and took it because of course he wouldn't be mistaken for a thief or rapist. No, sneaking into a little girl's room without her knowledge or consent is _romantic_ when it's _Amuto_! (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

So Ikuto, since he doesn't know any better way of surprising Amu, sneaked behind her, places his hands on her shoulders, leaned down and breathed in her ear (but in a totally romantic, HAWT, smexy and non-creepy way of course), "Hey, _Amu_." This is mainly because Ikuto is incapable of saying her name in anything less than italics. It just wouldn't be _right_ if there wasn't that italics with a high potential of, let's face it, creepiness. But it's fine if it's Amuto. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

"I-I-I-I-I-I-Ikuto!" stuttered Amu, a blush gracing her cheeks with its rather evident presence.

"What's up? I mean, apart from having an eighteen-year-old stalker enter your room? But I'm apparently good-looking so all my sins are forgiven," he greeted cheerfully. Because Ikuto's such a smiley person all the time.

"W-w-w-w-w-what a-a-are y-y-y-y-y-you d-d-d-doing i-in h-h-h-here, y-y-you PERVERT!!!" Some people might note that the only word Amu didn't falter on was the last one. And they may also notice that this phrase is now a generic 'Amu' phrase used specifically for Amuto situations like these. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

"Well, since I'm not molesting you or searching your drawers for either underwear or diamonds, obviously nothing except freaking you out," he replied nonchalantly, looking over her shoulder to see the book Amu had been concentrating on earlier. It was full of horrid elementary Maths (it's _always_ Maths). Her blush deepened.

"W-w-w-w-what t-t-the h-h-heck!? G-g-g-get o-o-o-out o-o-of m-m-my r-r-r-room!" she yelled, sounding as though she was either _extremely_ cold or trying to rap. Badly.

Ikuto then frowned. "Are you okay?" he asked. "You seem kinda..."

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm f-f-f-f-f-fine, s-s-s-s-so l-l-l-l-leave, I-I-I-I-I-Ikuto!" she endeavoured to hiss. Unfortunately, when you had a speech impediment more annoying than that of Daffy the Duck's (shower of spit included), it was rather impossible to seriously do so. Realising this, her blush called some of its friends over in an attempt to camouflage itself. Basically, this means that her blush deepened still further.

Ikuto, still leaning over her shoulder, grew even more concerned. "You know, considering the amount of hyphens that those four sentences or phrases would hypothetically take if it was written down or, indeed, typed up and the fact that your face had been steadily becoming the colour of beetroot... I think you should tell your mother that you need to go to a hospital," he said worriedly. What would he do if the underage victim of his stalking became seriously ill? And don't forget the lack of Amuto! (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

Amu's blushes decided to procreate and create a blush that was redder, more layered and even more noticeable. You could practically see steam rising from her face. "I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's n-n-n-n-nothing! T-t-t-t-there's n-n-n-n-n-nothing w-w-w-wrong w-w-w-w-w-with m-m-m-me!" she continued, somehow contriving to be stubborn while stuttering the heck out of an anxious Ikuto. It was Amuto in a pure, unadulterated, golden liquid form. (SQUE- I think you get it now.)

"No, seriously, you look like you're choking," he insisted, smexily furrowing his eyebrows. He also reached down and cupped her cheeks with both hands, tilting her face towards his. (OMG!!! AMUTO!!1!one!)

... Must I remind you they're _twelve_, ladies and gentlemen?

"S-s-s-s-s-shut u-u-u-u-up! I-I-I-I-I-I'm p-p-p-perfectly f-f-f-f-fine. I-I-I-I-I-I o-o-o-o-o-only s-s-s-s-s-started g-g-g-g-g-g-g-getting l-l-l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-this w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-when y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-showed u-u-u-u-u-up!" she exclaimed. Ikuto couldn't resist the urge to look at the clock as Amu went on slowly.

"S-s-s-s-s-s-so i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's y-y-y-y-y-y-y-your f-f-f-f-f-f-fault!" she finished hotly.

"I imagine that if that _had_ been typed up, the readers would have a massive migraine from reading it," he commented. "Apart from that... could you repeat that? I'm afraid I forgot what you were talking about halfway through."

Amu's baby blushes had grown up and decided to procreate as well. Her face had become home to families of blushes, each successive generation more red and healthy than the last. That is, to say, her blushes had not one deepened but had drilled down to the very bottom of how far they could go. "I-I-I-I-I-I s-s-s-s-said t-t-t-t-that -"

"You should have yourself checked out at the doctor's," he said, palms still holding her burning cheeks, "I think you have a fever or something. I'll come back later when you're not so fired-up and... stuttery."

"Y-y-y-y-yeah, I-I-I-I-I-I t-t-t-t-think t-t-t-t-that w-w-w-w-would b-b-b-b-be f-f-f-f-for t-t-t-t-the b-b-b-b-b-best," she said faintly. Or as faintly as you could when it took you half a minute to say a simple phrase.

"Good. You should take care of yourself more," he told her, heading to the balcony again, "And lock that door for Pete's sake. You might get some crazy paedophile of a stalker coming in here and sneaking up on you and disrespecting your privacy, possibly molesting you."

Neither of them noticed how much that sentence applied to the one saying it. But, since it's Ikuto and this was Amuto, everything was fine and legal. *insert squee and subsequent words, exclamation marks, ones and twelve here*

And so, the next day, Amu's mother brought her to see the doctor because of her excessive stutters and kingdom of blushes.

And so ends the generic Ikuto-visits-Amu-in-her-bedroom story. Gosh, what original and sensible Amuto those are!

(SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

~*~

**A/N:** Has anyone else noticed how much Amu stutters in, well, almost _all_ Amuto fanfics? Amu ain't a freak, mmkay? Just so we're clear.


	2. Universe of Tragedies

**A/N:** And here's the next chapter of this wonderful guide that has a title which reminds you of food... and I apologise in advance for the amount of capitals included. Forgive me.

**Advertising:** In gratitude and because this is the one that finally inspired me to make my own, there's another Guide out there which is superbly funny and accurate, by Facade: The Double Ds of SC. Take a look, I know you won't be disappointed.

~*~

**Universe of Tragedies**

As in all 'Alternate Universe' fanfiction, there comes a time when everybody is together and seated around some vague, undescribed room, possibly at school/boarding school/one of their homes. There had been some leaps and bounds in romantic plot development and the author felt that it was time to dramatically reveal everybody's pasts. This was usually around, oh, chapter two. And it also usually involved tears.

"Oh woe is me," moaned Amu pathetically, "I saw my parents DIE HORRIBLY right in front of my eyes as my house caught on FIRE and my subsequent foster parents are MEAN and ABUSIVE! I'm, like, so tragic." She sniffled, immediately garnering the sympathy of all those present. A couple of them discretely took out dictionaries to check what the word 'subsequently' meant. It usually wasn't present in the kinds of stories with these kinds of, let's be honest, unimaginative, unrealistic and generally useless dark pasts.

"You saw your parents die? Well mine was MURDERED in front of me," said Tadase forlornly, "and so was my BEST FRIEND when we were caught by TERRORISTS." Wow, terrorists. That was actually much more creative than what usually happened to Tadase which was... nothing. Except, perhaps, the generic death of a close relative. "And my DOG died too! I LOVED my dog!"

"Mine died (horribly) when I was KIDNAPPED and RAPED," was Rima's sob-story. "But even before their deaths they were always FIGHTING and YELLING and didn't CARE about me. They should have CARED more instead of SQUABBLING over their own PERSONAL ISSUES. They were so SELFISH!" She then proceeded to burst into uncharacteristic tears. Because Rima would be such a teary person. The people with the dictionaries flipped to 'squabble', since that didn't pop up very often either.

Kukai was next in line, ready with his own sentence full of out-of-place caps and unrealistic reactions. "My parents died in a CAR ACCIDENT and all three of my brothers died TWO YEARS later when our house caught on FIRE (like Amu's) while trying to SAVE me. And my new FOSTER PARENTS are DRUNKARDS!" But, because Kukai's so manly (and a GOD of SMEXINESS), he didn't cry even though the memories were really, really BAD. They caused him PAIN. (A/N: Aw, poor tortured Kukai! It's so CUTE!) *fangirl scream*

Utau nodded sagely. "I was RAPED too. And ABUSED by our STEP-father, and our mother is nothing more than a PUPPET on DRUGS. I was a DRUGGIE with an EATING DISORDER as well." Then, being the soft, dependent, weak, vulnerable and overemotional female that she was, Utau wailed into Kukai's manly shirt. He held her comfortingly with his hot, manly man-arms.

Nagihiko cleared his throat, staring SADLY at them all. "My TWIN SISTER and I watched as our parents were MUGGED and KILLED in front of us. Then we were SEPARATED when we were ADOPTED (OH NOES! The horror!) and I never saw her again. Just because the family was NICE that didn't mean that they had the right to SEPARATE us," he ranted heatedly, "a better future, education, good role-models and being well cared for is NOTHING when compared to my SISTER!" And, because Nagihiko was a sensitive guy, he let a tear slip down his cheek. (A/N: Isn't that so _sweet_?)

"I KNOW! I mean, how could grown-ups be so STUPID as to offer STABILITY to children that they thought NEEDED it?" asked Rima incredulously. The others chorused their agreement although to the readers that had some sense, it probably sounded as though stability was something that their lives sorely lacked and which they really needed, preferably in large doses as soon as possible.

"Really? I thought that I was the ONLY ONE to feel that kind of PAIN. I thought I was ALL ALONE in the world," cried Amu, absurdly happy that everybody else had just as horrible or possibly worse experiences than she had.

"Oh, don't be SILLY," said Utau, resurfacing from sobbing wretchedly into manly Kukai's buff, manly chest. There were no signs on her face of her having cried as ferociously as she had, but everybody dismissed this since she had been a model. "If there was NOBODY else with a TRAGIC, heartbreaking, distressing, TRAGIC, upsetting, tear-jerking, TRAGIC, pitiful, painful, touching, TRAGIC, awful, TRAGIC, dreadful, horrible, terrible, TRAGIC, disastrous, TRAGIC, difficult, sad, sad, sad, sob-worthy, TRAGIC, sad, frightful, TRAGIC past, then who would you IDENTIFY and MAKE FRIENDS with during the course of the story?" she reasoned.

There was a small break as everybody looked up the words that they didn't know and marvelled on the fact that she hadn't stopped to draw breath during the entire sentence.

"You know, you're so totally right," said Amu, tearing up gratefully. "I'm so glad I have you guys. You are the BEST friends EVAR!" (A/N: OMG this is so touching im cryingggg! *teartear*)

Her tears set the others off again, and Utau bawled into Kukai's manly shirt. (You knew it was manly because it had monkeys on it. Only a very manly man would wear something with monkeys on his shirt.)

"My PARENTS!" cried Amu miserably. "The years of ABUSE!"

"_My_ PARENTS! My BEST FRIEND! And MOST IMPORTANTLY, my DOG!" wailed Tadase. "Darn those TERRORISTS!"

"My PARENTS too! Their SELFISHNESS and ARGUING!" Rima joined in, because it was obviously what Rima would do. "And the TRAUMA of being RAPED!"

Rustles filled the room along with the whimpers of the crying characters as they flipped to the T section of their dictionaries.

"My PARENTS! My BROTHERS! My HOUSE! Those eternally DRUNK FOSTER PARENTS!" shouted Kukai, still holding his tears back due to his manliness. Even if he did cry, the tears would be MANLY tears if it was _Kukai_.

There were more rustles as they all tried to figure out what 'eternally' meant with the help of these out-of-date dictionaries with _actual_ _**paper **_pages. _What were they,_ they thought sulkily, _cavemen?_

"My PARENTS! YES!" howled Utau, once again prying herself away from Kukai (who was manliness incarnate). "The RAPE! The ABUSE! The non-blood-related STEP-FATHER! The AILING HOSPITALISED MOTHER! The DRUGS! The BULIMIA NERVOSA!"

More flickering of pages. Nobody used the word ailing when they could use sick. If they were feeling particularly inventive, perhaps they would use ill, but that would be going out on a limb.

"My PARENTS!" wept Nagihiko, "My TWIN SISTER! STUPID RICH ADULTS that DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS!"

They bawled together, wallowing in misery and self-pity while clutching at their rather handy but prehistoric books. It took them a while to detect the presence of somebody who'd stayed silent and unnoticed through this entire exchange.

"... Yaya?" Nagihiko snivelled curiously.

"... Yeah?" she replied, unusually quiet and refusing to meeting anybody's eyes.

"What's your tragic past?" asked Utau, getting to the point. She wanted to bury herself in pure manliness again as soon as possible.

"Well," she started off slowly, "Yaya's kinda worried that Yaya's baby brother will take Yaya's place in Yaya's parents' lives...?" Any hope of them accepting this as a tragic past vanished at their 'are you kidding me?' looks.

"Um... Yaya," said Amu with a tolerant smile, "we don't mean to be rude, but I think I speak for everyone when we say that we don't think we can be friends anymore. I hope you understand," she said sincerely.

"What?" she asked.

Utau shrugged helplessly. "Someone who hasn't been through the sort of experiences we have obviously could never _understand_ us or the way we think," she explained apologetically.

"Yeah," agreed Kukai, "how would we ever be able to show our vulnerable (read: pathetic and sad) side to someone who hasn't had a tragic past?"

"Without _some_ kind of horrible parental situation," Rima said, obligingly enlightening her, "or the deaths of a close relative or friend..."

"Or dog," interjected Tadase.

"Or dog," acceded Rima, "or at the very least some other form of strong abuse, you just don't have a horrible enough life to be in our group."

"You are officially," declared Amu, "_SHUNNED!_"

And with that, they turned their backs on the only person not to have been granted a sufficiently _tragic_ ordeal. Yaya was cast out for not having a terrible life and not given any more show-time, because people without some tragedy in their lives just _can't_ be interesting characters. Nobody wanted to read about _normal_ people with _normal_ problems or _normal_ lives. In fact, so many fanfiction authors follow this logic that tragic pasts have become normal, and _normal_ has become, well, abnormal.

What happened to the characters, I don't hear you asking? Well Amu, Rima, Utau, Tadase, Nagihiko and Kukai (manly, manly man that he is) continued on moaning every afternoon during the meetings of their little club and never amounted to anything. Yaya decided that, since she was relatively _normal_, she would follow a goal and do the best that she could, becoming mildly successful. And finally, Ikuto (as well as Kairi, Sanjou, Nikaido and the parents who were mostly dead anyways, but they don't matter so much) isn't mentioned in this chapter of tragic pasts just for a slight change of pace.

THE END

~*~

**A/N:** Everybody's parents are always murdered. Foster parents are always bad. People around them are always dead. Can nobody think of anything more interesting to put your characters through? And the fact that this chapter relates (although to a lesser extent, I hope) to me should tell you that we can all fall into this trap very easily. But seriously, if you're going to have the characters go through something that awful, think about how their personalities would turn out. They're not going to be just shy and withdrawn, or tough and rash. No, they'd have more than one single layer. So I beg of you: _think_.

That is all.


	3. The Futility of Kidnapping

**A/N:** So here's another little tidbit for you. These happen in a surprising amount of stories, although it is usually in Amuto ones. Then again, since the majority of stories in this fandom is made of Amuto, it's hardly surprising. Well... I think this turned out more pathetic than funny, but here goes.

~*~

**The Futility of Kidnapping**

Nagihiko burst through the doorway out onto the streets, running as fast as his legs could carry him. He had only one thought in mind: _I have to save Rima_. The note – it's always a note – had detailed the small blonde's capture and explained that unless they went to save her within an hour, she would be sentenced to the worst kind of torture. They must have done their research: Rima would never be able to survive that affliction. If he didn't save her, he was sure she would kill him later for making her go through that kind of ordeal. It wasn't fun when Rima took things out on him, so he _had_ to save her. Saving her in time meant that he could save himself, and that was also fairly important.

He turned a corner and kept running. It took him fifteen more minutes to realise that he had no idea where they were holding her, where he was going or, in fact, where he even was. For some reason he thought that if he kept running randomly, he would chance upon their secret hideout soon enough and be able to save her. He realised at length that running around for fifteen minutes had managed to do nothing but was waste time and energy. Even if he did randomly find their hideout, at this rate he could do nothing more than wheeze at them.

He caught his breath and then wondered what he should do. He didn't recognise anything and kept imagining what kinds of horrible torture Rima would inflict upon _him_ if he didn't turn up. He gulped and hoped against hope he would come up with something soon.

-------

Rima was gagged and tied to a chair, glaring at the men that had dared to do this to her. One of them watched the clock eagerly. When it struck an hour, the three of them turned and leered at her. One of the men tilted her chin up so that he could see her face clearly. His teeth were in obvious need of dental treatment and is breath smelled worse than a dog's. The worst thing about his horrid was his beady little eyes which glinted when he said, "Your hour's up, kiddo. Bring in... _The Clowns_," he said ominously.

Her eyes widened and her screams were muffled by the gag. They laughed cruelly, enjoying the tears of rage and terror in her eyes. The clowns waltzed in, all painted faces, baggy pants, oversized shoes and red noses. In their arms were cream pies, buckets of whitewash and ladders. Rima watched as the clowns started knocking each other over with the ladders and landing in the buckets and getting pies thrown at their faces. It was too much. She couldn't take it anymore.

Then, Rima snapped.

-------

Nagihiko threw open the doors, ten minutes late, ready to barge in and save Rima from the horrors of Bad Clowns. The sight that greeted him caused him to step back in fear.

Three grown men were piled up, unconscious on the floor, as were several clowns. Rima, having Character Transformed into Clown Drop, was slowly advancing on a terrified jester, bowling pin held threateningly. They whimpered and tried to scamper backwards, only to have their retreat blocked by the wall. They threw their arms over their face protectively, tears washing some of the face paint away.

"P-please spare me! I-I have a wife and t-two kids!" he begged pitifully, cowering as Rima continued to press on unmercifully.

"Then repeat after me," she said, eyes blazing furiously. "I will re-educate you. Cream pies are outdated."

"C-cream pies are outdated," he blubbered, swallowing painfully.

"Ladders are idiotic," she continued.

"Ladders are i-idiotic." He was whimpering now, his whole way of life being overturned by one small slip of a girl. One small slip of a girl who had overpowered nine other grown men, h reminded himself.

"Whitewash is pitiful." Her eyes narrowed as the man hesitated. "I don't hear you. I thought you had a family that needed you?" she asked sweetly.

"Y-yes, of course, but..."

"Then _say it_," she hissed. "Whitewash is pitiful."

"W-whitewash is... pitiful," he repeated reluctantly.

"Large shoes are ridiculous and overrated."

The clown under re-education closed his eyes as he repeated this sacrilegious line. "Large shoes are r-ridiculous and overrated." More tears coursed down his cheeks as he prepared himself for the next blow against clownhood.

"Baggy trousers are in no way, shape or form amusing." She watched unsympathetically as he trembled, breathing heavy.

"B-baggy trousers are... in no way, shape or f-form... amusing," he said, clutching at his head. A sob escaped his lips.

"Painted faces are frightening, not comical," she pushed forward forcefully, ignoring the wail of despair. When he shook his head, she raised an eyebrow and drew back the arm holding the pin. "I guess your family will have to..."

"No!" he said abruptly. "I-I'll do it." He swallowed again and clenched his hands. "P-painted faces are f-frightening, not... c-comical."

"And finally," announced Rima, her voice coloured with triumph, "red noses are _unnecessary_."

"No! Not the nose!" he cried. "I'll do anything else! Please!"

Rima readjusted her grip on her weapon so that she could fling them at his head in a moment's notice. "You have one last chance. Red noses are _unnecessary_." When the man didn't repeat those words, she stepped forward and -

"R-red noses are... u-unnecessary," he gasped in resignation. His eyes clenched shut as he waited for the God of Clowning to smite him for his insolence. When no mighty thunderbolts or cream pies came down from the sky, he gingerly opened one eye and looked up to see Rima's outstretched hand.

"Good, good," she crooned. "Now all that's left is for you to hand over the nose," she instructed. The shaking man slowly slipped it off his head and handed it over, tears gushing down his cheeks unchecked. Then, emotionally exhausted, he fainted dead away. Rima straightened and threw the nose away before whirling around and rounding on Nagihiko who had witnessed it all.

"And _you_," she said menacingly, pointing the bowling pins at him this time, "you're late!"

"Yes, but I can explain," pleaded the boy.

"Oh, really?" said Rima doubtfully, keeping her weapon trained on him just in case she needed to let out more of her anger. She could see the fear in his eyes.

"Uh-huh. You see, I was lost..."

"You were lost," she echoed flatly. He nodded hopefully. "You were _lost_?!" There went the hope.

"Well, you see, I thought that I could find you if I just ran..."

"You made me _actually physically exercise_ because you were being, well, _stupid_?" she demanded. "If I'd known, I'd have beat these morons up a long time ago instead of being stuck _tied to a chair and gagged_ for an _hour_. 'Lost' doesn't cover it."

"How was I supposed to know where to go?" he demanded, crossing his arms.

"I don't know. How did you get here, then?" she asked.

Nagihiko suddenly turned sheepish. "I... I asked for directions," he admitted.

"You... what?"

"I asked some random old lady 'hey, do you know where anybody would likely keep a short, blonde girl hostage and force her to watch clowns?' and she told me to come straight here," explained Nagihiko, still a little bit confused himself.

Rima took a moment to gather her thoughts. "Well, why does it have to be _you_ here?" she asked pointedly. "Where's Amu and everyone else?"

He shuffled awkwardly. "Well, as far as I know, some people tried to capture Utau to trap Kukai and she's beating them up right now, they had trapped Nikaido because he kinda bumped into them so Sanjou is beating them up and Nikaido is looking for his glasses, they got Yaya while she was with Kairi so he's busy rescuing her and giving her candy, and they trapped Tadase to get Amu so Kukai and Amu are going to save him. Oh, and Ikuto is sleeping."

"I don't care about that thief anyhow," she said dismissively, "but why couldn't _you_ go with Kukai to save Tadase and Amu come _here_? I'm sure _she_ wouldn't have been lost."

Nagihiko scratched the back of his head in thought. Finally, he said "W-well, I think that the author used this as a plot device since they wanted us to overcome one final challenge and then have a happily ever after."

"What?" Rima spluttered. "But that's ridiculous! All that's happened in this story is that we think about each other, confess to each other, have one over-the-top-perfect date, and have a misunderstanding and angst a lot! And then I'm kidnapped for some inexplicable reason!"

Nagihiko nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, I think I was supposed to realise that I couldn't live without you and that our misunderstandings are trivial and that we could work through them together," he said casually.

"What are we, freaks?" she asked the world in general. "People die, people disappear: move on! I'm not some pathetic little parasite that would slowly dry out if some stupid guy weren't nearby! I have a life! I'm not Bella Swan!" she proclaimed. (Oh, whoops did I really type Bella Swan? My bad!)

"Good, because honestly I'm not sure any guy that wasn't some fossilised vampire would be willing to go out with such a clingy, desperate, lifeless and leech-like girl," said Nagihiko approvingly. "Besides, I don't sparkle."

"But you still left me to watch those _stupid_ clowns and do exercise," Rima reminded him. In fact, her anger was starting to rise again.

"Meep," squeaked Nagihiko.

~*~

**A/N:** So the villain kidnaps the partner and love interest to get to the main character. Well, there are several things wrong with that. One, the SC girls know how to take care of themselves. Two, why doesn't anybody else save them or even just help the main character save them? Three, the hero shouldn't know where the hideout is straight off the bat without being told. Four, just because somebody does save them doesn't mean that they have to be in love. You can save friends. And five, it's simply _not very creative_ and sometimes it doesn't even work with the story. It's often used as a plot device.


	4. Gay Equals Happiness

**A/N:** Um... I usually have something to say here, but I really can't think of much. This is basically just here due to habit. So... thank you everyone? I do mean it, it's just... I thought I was a more interesting person than this? I guess not then, huh? Well, enough about me, on with the chapter!

~*~

**Gay Equals Happiness**

"You're _gay_?" four pre-pubescent boys exclaimed in shock.

"Okay, and that'll be two dollars please," replied the eighteen-year-old in a monotone. He glanced up to see them staring at him in confusion. Looking back down, he realised that he was on the wrong page of the script. Muttering a "sorry", he flipped through the pages hurriedly before alighting on the correct one.

"You're _gay_?" they repeated wearily.

He cleared his throat before reading in a monotone, without taking in a single word of what he was saying, "Yes. I am in love with Tadase/Kukai/Nagihiko/Yuu/Yoru and nothing will ever change how I feel." The other four all shuddered. Some sense of self-preservation kicked in and he re-read those words quickly, eyes widening. "Wait, hang on..."

"Oh no, how tragic," read Tadase, a puzzled frown on his face, "I used to be in love with you and only dated Amu to make you jealous, but then I thought that you were in love with Amu so I let you two be together. I am now in love with and devoted to... Kukai?" Horror was evident in his voice.

"But I am in love with the memory of Nadeshiko, which means that, in a roundabout way, I'm in love with Nagihiko..." Kukai was too busy gagging to read on.

Ikuto was still reeling from the line he had read. "But you're all around twelve! I would go to jail!" he protested.

"But I have fallen in love with... um... it says Kairi, but that can't be right, can it?" asked Nagihiko, scratching the back of his head.

"And I can't be in love with _Yoru_! He's a _part_ of me!" continued Ikuto. "And Yuu... that's just sick! He's a _married man_, for Chara's sake!"

Kairi adjusted his glasses. "Oh, how are we to solve this complicated love tangle?" he intoned.

"And who the hell _is_ Nagihiko anyways?" Ikuto demanded.

"That's me," he volunteered. "My, uh... sister once tried to kill you in a kitchen."

"Anyhow, this is ridiculous!" exclaimed Tadase, flipping through the script frantically. "We're not even teenagers yet! Is some of this even physically _possible_?" He squinted at some of the stage directions.

All their ranting was interrupted when a voice permeated their minds without going through the usual route via the ears. _**Just read the script**_. They all winced at the unbelievable amount of power behind those soundless words. They could feel their wills weakening by the second.

"Who _said_ that?" wondered Nagihiko. "Or... well, not _said_ but... whatever."

_**I am... a Fanfic Author!**_ It announced. _**One who lurves Ikudase!**_

"What?" Tadase was even more confused.

_**Just read the script!**_ The non-voice ordered somewhat grumpily.

Unable to resist, they continued the slow self-torture. It was Tadase's line again.

"I do not know, but I feel betrayed by Kukai's admitted love for Nagihiko," he started reluctantly.

Ikuto tried to fight back against the unseen and unrelenting force. "Then..." he said, sounding strangled, "come back mmph mmnh." He'd resorted to biting his lip to keep from saying the appalling words.

_**Say it,**_the Author threatened, _**or else.**_

Ikuto had wanted to say 'or else what? Nothing could be worse than this' but when he opened his mouth, what came out was "Then come back to me Tadase-koi, my love. I do not care what anybody else says, I will always love you."

"I... I love you too, Ikuto-koi," he replied to his own dismay. "I will never leave you again."

_**Kyaa! Kawaii!**_ The Author squealed, sounding as though they were of the feminine persuasion.

"And do you, Nagihiko, accept my -" Kukai broke down into coughs in a desperate attempt to avoid what he knew was coming next.

_**What are you doing? You're standing in the way of my creativity! It is my right! My style! You must not criticise an author's way of writing,**_ the non-voice almost wailed. _**Just say it!**_

Kukai regretted that coughs could not last forever. "Do you accept my confession of true love?" he choked out.

"But I think I am in love with Kairi," he answered despondently.

"But I am _straight_," Kairi said, substantially relieved. The others shot him dark glares, wishing that they were in his position.

"Gasp," said Ikuto venomously, wishing that he could act on his urge to tear the script apart.

"You traitor," said Kukai half-heartedly, "how could you?"

Tadase's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to figure out what his line meant. "... Shun?"

"Yeah, we'll all live happily ever after without you and your narrow-minded ways," said Ikuto, his words laced with contempt. However, rather than being directed at Kairi, the contempt was aimed at the sentence itself.

Kairi managed to break free from the control for a moment to say, "Wait a moment! Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're _narrow-minded_ when it comes to hom -"

_**Silence!**_the voice shouted desperately, _**Do not contradict me! I am a Fanfiction Author, which means that I have the right – no, the **_**duty**_** to use and abuse you any way I could possibly imagine. The characters are not supposed to talk back. They're not supposed to think. When I say jump, you ask 'how high?' got it?**_

"Jump? You mean the one with the manga...?" asked Ikuto.

_**You be quiet, insolent fool! You're all nothing but pretty faces anyway. Nobody wants to read about your **_**personality**_**! You'd never get any reviews that way! And I need reviews! If I don't get reviews, that must mean my story's bad! Horrible! Disgusting!**_ it said, sounding rather hysterical. _**Especially you, Ikuto! You're nothing but some pretty-boy to pair up with Amu or Tadase or some OC! Love you, hate you, nobody cares about your actual character by itself!**_

"Ouch," said Kukai sympathetically, "But you gotta admit that it's kinda true."

_**Now make some Ikudase happen!**_the Fanfiction Author ordered.

The future looked bleak for the boys as their mouths automatically opened against their will and they could do nothing but send each other utterly hopeless looks. They were mere pawns being mercilessly controlled by a higher power. And it seemed nothing could change that terrible fact. No, in fact people seem to be _encouraging_ this kind of character abuse with the reviews of 'OMG! That waz soooooo hawt' (since nobody knows how to spell hot without a W... or two Ts) or 'ur a grate riter u shud continu dis cuz u mak it so reilstik' (it might take a few moments to work out what the last word means) or even 'IKUDASE!! You r a GOD tank you! I wuv youre storiez1 dey rul!' (which appears on every story with a focus on a romantic pairing. Except with Yuukari. Nobody cares about Yuukari).

So the torture continues until somebody puts their foot down and decides hey, maybe we should give those creeps some genuine constructive criticism? To which they'll respond 'gasp, u flamres jus dun unnersatn us an oor wuv fer de cupl an u al sux bad boo ur fat an ugly an hav no freinds! meenie!'

And do you know that they'd be right about one thing? I _don't_ understand them. Their grammar and spelling skills frighten me. And trust me; they get a lot worse than this. That sentence was me being _nice_ and trying to spare whoever bothers to read this from the horror. So, now that we have gotten sufficiently off-topic from unrealistic homosexuality to appalling reviews, um... uh... *runs away since first person was used in an originally third person story, especially since first person in a story is a novelty and had never been used before this by the author*

~*~

**A/N:** Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with yaoi... when it's done _well_. Unfortunately, it almost never is. It's never _realistic_, nothing makes sense. Then again, that does apply to most stories that _aren't_ yaoi, so I guess... But anyhow, just know that since the characters would never, ever naturally turn gay, you should do more than just throw the characters together and force them to confess to each other, regardless of anything or anyone else. Unless you give an astoundingly good reason. So there.


	5. Beware the Playboy

**A/N:** Here's the next update! And yes, I had to do it even if it had been done before. Just because this is so terribly, _tragically_ common. It wipes all intelligence from the minds of the characters, belittles them and twists them so that they don't even resemble their original selves anymore. When you hear the words 'Amuto fanfiction' this pops into your head. Here it is, the (not so) long-awaited chapter...

~*~

**Beware the Playboy**

Ikuto Tsukiyomi had a very simple thought process: _If it's even remotely of the female persuasion I must flirt with it._ He was charming, of course. He oozed charisma thoughtlessly, which was fortunate since he couldn't seem to concentrate on too many things at once. And every single female he'd met succumbed to his charm since every single female in his school wanted to date this lying, cheating playboy scumbag. They knew he was a scumbag who was only after one thing, but he was almost magnetic. There was some allure about him that no girl, sane or otherwise, could resist.

Ikuto's foggy mind seemed to focus on somebody that he vaguely felt was a feminine being that he hadn't tried to flirt with before. The charisma flowing off him in waves was almost palpable as he approached the petite blonde. He leaned one hand against the locker and said with a lazy half-smile, "You know, I've been wondering from the moment I set eyes on you what your name is."

The person turned around with an irritated look on their face. "Ikuto, it's me. Tadase Hotori," he snapped. "What on earth's gotten into you? It's like you're drugged... hey, come back here!"

The moment that Ikuto had found out his target was of the masculine persuasion rather than feminine, he lost interest. Now he strolled through the corridors lazily, on the perpetual lookout for fresh meat. He found another blonde that looked familiar but he was sure he hadn't slept with yet. "I'm supposed to use a pick-up line here, aren't I? But you're so beautiful, I'm near speechless," he said charmingly, flashing a smile at her.

"Ikuto!" she answered, appalled. "I'm your sister, Utau, remember?" Sure, she'd gone through a phase where she'd wanted to marry Ikuto, but didn't all girls dream of marrying their father when they were little? Granted, her 'phase' lasted until a year ago, but it was over and she had a boyfriend that Ikuto had somewhat approved of. But he _had_ seemed kind of off since a few days ago...

"So?" he countered, puzzled. His fogged brain kept insisting that if she was a girl, he would get her. But even a brain as hazy as his was at that moment could backtrack when the girl started to hit his head. Ikuto slipped away quietly just as Tadase turned the corner and caught sight of Utau.

"Hey, do you know what's wrong with Ikuto?" he asked, out of breath. For somebody that didn't seem to move above a saunter, Ikuto sure was fast. Tadase had been running and still hadn't caught him up.

Utau shook her head. "He'd been acting freaky for days now," she said worriedly, twisting her hands and adding, "He doesn't even recognise me anymore."

"When exactly did he start acting like this?" he questioned hurriedly, a nasty suspicion budding in the back of his mind.

"I don't remember..."

"Try!" he ordered. Utau did.

"I think it started... yeah, it started when these people came to our house and Ikuto opened the door. When they left, Ikuto became like... well, stupid," she said, hugging herself. "He was in a fever for a while but just left the house and came to school and started flirting with absolutely everybody."

Tadase worried his bottom lip with his teeth. "Is there anything else you can remember?"

Utau's eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Well..." she started slowly, "there was this discarded syringe near our doorway, but I thought it was just some homeless junkie or something."

Tadase groaned, slapping his forehead. "Of course! I should have figured this out earlier!" he shouted to himself. Utau stared at him as he continued to babble "It's _them_ again! It has to be! I can't believe this!" before running off, leaving her standing there with her mouth open.

Her shock quickly turned to anger.

"It's _who_ again? What are you talking about? Why does nobody ever bother to tell me anything?!" she demanded of the world before chasing after Tadase. Her flying pigtails knocked quite a few people unconscious as she rushed by, causing a total of two concussions.

Two corridors away, Ikuto stopped his hunt for girls. He felt inexplicably drawn to something – no, Some_One_. This _One_ had pink hair and for some reason reminded him of strawberry diamonds, but that couldn't be right, could it? Still being in a kind of stupor, he only vaguely paid attention when a few more girls located conveniently next to him gossiped about the object of his interest.

"She's the new girl..." said one.

"'Cool and spicy' people say," said another.

"Kinda stuck up, too," said yet another average-looking, forgettable, undescribed, unnamed and forever unnoticed girl. It was no wonder that so many of these were petty and jealous and just couldn't appreciate the beauty of the main characters when they only existed for a fraction of a second before never being mentioned again. But this story is not about the abuse and mistreatment of ordinary characters, so let's stop here.

Of course, Ikuto's newfound haziness always liked a challenge. Or, at least, it suddenly decided to like challenges when it heard that the girl would probably be a challenge. He went for it.

"Excuse me," he said politely, "I've been at this school for years but I've never seen someone so beautiful as to make me forget my classroom number. I'll walk you to yours in the meantime, if you want."

"Oh no," panted Tadase when he caught sight of them, "of all plots it has to be _this_ one. New student at school meets school playboy who's never been turned down before. Playboy gets interested in her, she shoots him down. He gets even more interested in her and the relationship blossoms. It's always either that one or she's a nerd."

"Explain to me what's going on _right now_," demanded Utau, her pigtails still leaving mayhem and destruction in its path. Tadase glanced at the number of groaning students behind her and decided that it would be safe to just slow down a little bit.

Keeping an eye on the couple, he said slowly, "Well, here's what I think happened..."

--+--

_The doorbell rang loudly, rousing Ikuto from his sleep. He was always sleeping in this author's stories. It was like she thought he was the living personification of naptime. He grumbled and rolled onto his side, trying to reach that wonderful dreamland once more. The doorbell rang again. Disgruntled, he sat up groggily and ran a hand through his hair before going to open the door._

"_Yeah, what do you want?" he asked, giving big yawn. There was an overly skinny girl with multicoloured hair and pink eyes that creeped him out in their slightly mad intensity. Next to him was a man in a suit that reminded him of those emotionally retarded hired muscles from back in the days of Easter. Needless to say, he was immediately on guard. "Who are you?"_

_She giggled an obnoxious, nauseating giggle. "I'm Sarah, but you can call me Kiko-chan!" she replied, the intensity of her stare really bugging him._

"_What do you want, Sarah?" he asked, not sure exactly which person he should keep an eye on. The big guy brought back bad memories but the girl looked like she was waiting to attack him and bite him on the nose, run away or start singing. _

"_Well, it's perfectly simple, Ikuto," she said with a glassy smile, "I just need you to be something for me."_

_He sighed and moved to close the door. "Look, whatever you're selling, I don't want any."_

_Sarah, or 'Kiko-chan', clicked her fingers. "Get him," she said brightly. The man beside her brought out a syringe filled with a clear liquid and in one fluid movement, injected it into Ikuto's neck without giving him a chance to react. His eyes glazed over and he staggered back into his house, shutting the door behind him._

_The girl looked triumphant. "Mission complete," she announced._

--+--

"... And then Ikuto became like this," he finished.

"Alright," Utau said slowly, a puzzled expression on her face, "but I still don't get it."

"Oh, the girl would have been a Fanfic Author," he explained, "and she would have had to drug him because he isn't naturally a playboy."

"Of course he isn't naturally a playboy," she snorted derisively, "he's my brother. He's never been _interested_ in other girls before."

There was a loud gasp from the surrounding students and the two blonds turned in time to see Amu brush past Ikuto coldly. He stared after her, his muggy mind urging him to follow her. She was all he could think about now. In fact, his thought process had changed to: _Must find new girl and make her like me_. If he hadn't been drugged, he'd have realised how pathetic that was but since he was, he didn't. So he made to set off after her in some bad attempts to woo the girl who turned him down when something hit him on the back of the head hard enough for him to black out.

"What are you doing?!" screeched a frantic Utau.

"It was the only way," said Tadase apologetically, lead pipe in his hands. "If I hadn't, he wouldn't have stopped being this new... thing."

"But did you have to use a lead pipe?" she asked, checking her brother's skull for the bump.

He sighed. "You don't get it, Utau. If I hadn't done it, then I would have turned into some pathetic competition for Ikuto and you would have become a conniving, overbearing, overprotective psycho."

"Oh, I see," she said faintly. She wasn't sure if she did actually see, but Tadase seemed to know what he was doing and he wasn't the type to go around knocking people out cold for no reason whatsoever. "But... he could have a concussion."

"Trust me, he's better off this way," Tadase replied grimly.

-------

Sarah gaped at her computer screen, devastated. What had happened to her wonderful story? There had been great potential for her story. It was unique and wonderful. Her story was a beautiful snowflake. She'd made _sure_ that it would go smoothly! Her plan had been perfect. Flawless. Why, then, had it failed?

"Too bad, Sarah," said the man in a suit and sunglasses sympathetically. "There's always next time."

"It's _Kiko-chan_!" she snarled. "And there _will_ be a next time. I swear there will be a next time." She would not rest. There _would_ be a fantabulous story from her, and no fictional character could stop her. _Nobody_ could stop her.

~*~

**A/N:** Sarah is _my_ little badfic-writer self-insert. Enjoy.


	6. Ramen Overdose

**A/N:** Kutau. Possibly the least appreciated out of Amuto, Rimahiko and itself. But hey, if Ikudase/Takuto can have its chapter then so could they. Right? Right?

~*~

**Ramen Overdose**

Another couple of bowls were placed in front of them after a long line of bowls. It was filled to the brim with ramen and soup and egg. The chef smiled at the couple, wondering why they hesitated and even looked a little queasy. There was a blonde girl with pigtails that he swore he saw before but couldn't think of where, and an auburn-haired kid who didn't look like he was the world's greatest thinker. He didn't seem stupid of course, except that he wasn't concerned with all those big questions like what the meaning of life is or how the universe was created. He left all that existential angst to others and thought about his immediate friends and family.

If truth be told, what he was thinking right now was: _Oh man, when will this end_?

"How much ramen have we eaten today?" asked Utau, leaning away from the fresh bowl. She seriously could not believe that she was shying away from a chance of winning, of beating this kid and rubbing it in his face that she was better than him, that she could remain unaffected by him or his annoyingly animated self. But she was.

"Well, we've been put in four fics today and they all involved ramen," said Kukai, his bowl remaining just as untouched as hers.

"But how many bowls?" she moaned, swallowing as she looked at the food. It was a crime to waste food but if she ate any more she would either put on weight or explode. The singer wasn't actually sure which option she would prefer.

"Twenty-seven," replied Kukai weakly, before adding, "Each."

"Oh lord, I remember," she said, clutching at her stomach. "Eight in the first. Six in the second. Seven in the third and we just polished off five, right?"

"I can't move, my stomach hurts so badly," he whined, "and I have soccer practice soon, too!"

"Why do they give us so much to eat?" wondered the stuffed girl. "And why is it _always_ ramen? We're _always_ at a ramen stand eating _ramen_. Do we never do anything else?"

"Well, we had a concert and a soccer game yesterday," Kukai said, trying to comfort himself just as much as her.

"Yeah, and we had three other fics with _ramen_ in it," she reminded him bitterly.

"I remember an interesting one where we had a fight over your obsession with Ikuto," he mused. "I think we managed to exercise enough to digest the ramen from the two fics before it and eat the ramen from both fics after."

"Oh yeah, the generic angst. But there's just _so much_ of this generic fluff," she complained again. "Have you realised how much we've almost-confessed over ramen? And you proposed over ramen a few times, too."

"Yeah, it's embarrassing how so many events centre around ramen," he agreed.

"And we always, _always_ go eat ramen for our dates. And have you noticed that we really only ever get one date in a fic before general angstiness gets in our way? And that's with the very few Kutau fics that aren't one-shots," she sighed. "It's always Rimahiko or Amuto. Are we not interesting?"

"I thought you didn't want so much ramen?" he asked, confused.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, if there are more Kutau stories, you can be sure that there will be more ramen scenes," he explained, prodding the food with his chopsticks. "And ramen jokes, references to ramen at all major events, ramen anniversaries, kids with a love of ramen, ramen lives, ramen heads, ramen soccer balls..." he shuddered from the very thought.

"Ramen concerts, ramen deaths," finished Utau with a sigh. "Yeah, I know, it's absolutely insane."

"We're drowning in ramen," he said gloomily. "We're going to bloat right up, like balloons."

"Excuse me, _who's_ going to bloat up?" demanded the girl furiously, the sudden switch in mood almost frightening Kukai. She managed to swing her ramen-filled self around to face Kukai, her arms crossed.

"You were the one complaining about it several fics ago!" he defended himself. "You're always saying that you'll get fat and ugly and everything, so I thought..."

"Look, saying it yourself is one thing, but having some brain-dead _guy_ say it about you is a completely different matter," she said in a dangerously low voice. "I don't care what the heck you think of me, but if you say that kind of thing one more time, I'll kill you and feed you to the fish."

"What fish?" he asked, blinking in a puzzled manner. "I didn't know you had fish."

Utau let her head drop into her hands at the sheer hopelessness of the situation. They were pairing her up with some kid younger than her (granted, it was only by a year) who didn't seem to have two brain cells to rub together. "Look," she said tiredly, "just because I have to eat with you in ramen world, doesn't mean I have to _like_ you, got that?"

"Yes ma'am!" he replied cheerfully.

She stared at him suspiciously, eyes narrowed, before asking slowly, "Are you making fun of me?"

"What? No!" he replied hastily, "why would you think that?"

"Then what's with the way-too-cooperative-attitude?" she challenged.

He shrugged, raising his chopsticks once more in preparation for the rapidly cooling bowl of ramen. "I felt like it."

Utau shook her head, lifting her own chopsticks. "You are so weird; they should keep you in a zoo." For one fleeting moment, she wondered if, perhaps, bulimia nervosa _would_ solve her problems. Then she realised that that would be stupid and a weak way out. Even anorexia was more bad-ass than bulimia.

"Thank you," said Kukai. Utau didn't even deign to respond but dug in to her twenty-eighth bowl full to the brim with ramen. One of these days, they really would die of ramen. It was either that or _become_ ramen. After all, you are what you eat.

After a while, she asked, "How long are you going to spend kicking balls into a net after this?"

"How long are you gonna spend running on a treadmill?" he countered.

"What are you talking about?" she asked indignantly, not quite sure why she felt so offended. It was just that the _way _he'd said that was rather... irritating. It was as though she reminded him of a hamster or something, running and running and never getting anywhere.

"Come on, everyone knows that you go to a gym after doing this to burn off the calomies," he said smugly.

One of her eyes started twitching. "It's _calories_, and I do not..."

"Same difference," he said waving it aside before asking, "Don't you feel weird when you run on the treadmill, though? It seems kinda pointless..."

"It is _not_ pointless!" she argued hotly.

"So you _do_ work out at night!"

"I never said that," she snapped.

"But if you didn't think it was pointless then you'd do it," he reasoned, oblivious to the minefield he was standing in.

She paused. "Well, I don't think cancer research is pointless but that doesn't mean that-"

"You're not a scientist."

"I'm not an athlete!"

A third voice broke in. "Just eat the damn ramen already!" It was the chef and shop owner who usually had a policy of not disturbing his customers. Unsurprisingly, this did not seem to be the case for this particular duo. Although he was a patient and tolerant man, it only took so long before he was worn down by whining and moaning and bickering and refusal to eat. What especially grated on his nerves was the fact that these two pups counted 'ramen' as though it were instant noodles. They compared _his_ ramen to the ramen of other stores as if they were the same! And they had the sheer _audacity_ to do so in front of his face. Teenagers these days did not know how to appreciate things anymore.

"Yessir," they said simultaneously and started to slurp it down in earnest. It was either uncertain death by ramen poisoning or the wrath of this chef, and they chose uncertain death. Kukai knew that his legs wouldn't be able to hold him up at the next soccer game on account of him being so full and Utau could literally _feel_ her hair turning into a substance of the edible kind.

They paid him and left, retiring for the day. Kukai went to kick soccer balls into a net and Utau angrily imitated a hamster, her fingers itching every few seconds or so to wrap themselves around a certain boy's throat.

-------

_One Month Later..._

A scream pierced through the air. Since the screamer had not been holding anything made of glass or other materials capable of shattering and creating a large amount of noise, a few dishes decided to roll off their shelves and crash to the floor to add to the effect. Nagihiko almost swore.

"I just finished cleaning them!" he yelled to the universe in general. He'd known that it was a cruel and unjust place, but this was... _sadism_. When he remembered that he'd heard somebody screamed, he called out, "What is it?"

Amu hurried down the stairs. "Nagi! Kukai – he – but it – the bed... ramen! Kukai! Ramen!" she said in fragmented hysteria. Wordlessly, she pointed a shaking figure back upstairs to where Kukai's room was.

The purple-haired boy hurried up and flung the door open. It took a moment for him to comprehend the situation. For one thing, he could not see Kukai. What he _could_ see was a large mass of ramen in the middle of the room.

When the realisation hit, his eyes widened in horror. "Oh no," he breathed. "What have they _done_ to you?"

Kukai's body had morphed into what the fanfic authors had been shovelling down his throat twenty-four hours a day. One thing was for sure: it was not the way Kukai would have wanted to go. It was not the way _anybody_ would want to go.

It was all because of those darn authors. He silently vowed that he would exact revenge upon them all – or at least a particularly bad one. And their little dog, too.

--NEWSFLASH--

*_**Ramen Bites Back!***_

_It was a tragedy that caused scientists to break down, newspaper reporters to be driven insane, fangirls, fanboys and Sanjou to die of broken hearts and ramen shops the world over to close down. The victim was one male, 14, green-eyed and auburn-haired, and one female idol, 15, violet-eyed and blonde. Their remains were discovered in their respective bedrooms sprawled in the middle of the floor._

_And made of ramen._

_At first, it was thought that the two teenagers in question had run away together and left the food there as either a message or a joke. Upon further examination, it was discovered that all the cells in these two youths' bodies rapidly self-combusted and changed until all that was left was the Japanese noodle. The experts say that it would have been a relatively painless death, caused by consuming ramen in impossible amounts over a short period of time. The mourning families have refused to comment as to what could have possibly driven them to eat so much. The ramen chefs to have served these two have been arrested for involuntary manslaughter._

_A funeral service will be held on Tuesday during which time ramen will be absolutely forbidden._

_RIP – Kukai Souma and Utau Hoshina._

~*~

**A/N:** Honestly though, this chapter wasn't supposed to end this way. It was half as short when I finished it a few weeks ago but then I just looked at it and started adding a few more sentences and it took on a life of its own. It's a little bit... disturbing but maybe people will learn their lesson: don't eat ramen.

Okay, yeah... I love the whole ramen aspect of their relationship and I understand why people use it so much in their stories, but... not for their whole _life_. Sometimes, it just gets a little _too_ extreme.


	7. Coming Back

**A/N:** The chapter that I'd written - the inevitable Mary Sue chapter - has been cruelly ripped away from me and scattered over an ocean breeze. No, I have no idea what I'm really on about either. For inspiration, I'd decided to take a look at the most recently updated fics. And so, it hit me.

* * *

**Coming Back**

_I feel empty_, lamented Amu, looking up at the moon. She was strolling home. Admittedly, where she was strolling home from or why she had been kept out until after dark is a mystery but nobody cares about that. Anyhow, back to Amu's morose thoughts. _Oh, I feel so empty. I wonder why I feel so empty. Empty... Empty... Sounds like Humpty. Humpty Dumpty, who had a great fall. And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. Wait, that's it!_ She halted suddenly in the middle of the street. A man that possibly could have been a rapist stopped and considered her as his next target. Then he shrugged and walked away - the girl was obviously unstable and he wasn't sure if that kind of thing was infectious.

Amu smiled triumphantly, unaware of the possible danger that she might have faced. Her subconscious was telling her something! It was like a puzzle. Oh, what could the answer be, where could it lie?

She had the Humpty Lock. Ikuto, who was somewhere in Europe looking for his father, had the Dumpty Key. Now, Humpty and Dumpty were seperated and whatever the king did (king obviously meaning Tadase) he couldn't fix Amu's heart again! Now she knew why she felt oh so empty. Ikuto wasn't there! It took her five years to figure this out.

Her posture slumped again. But that was the point, wasn't it? Ikuto wasn't there. _Oh, I'm so alone. So empty. So freaking SAD it's unbelievable.  
_

Ah, but she had to hurry home. Who knew what was lying in wait for her out in the dark night like this?

**-lll-**

Ikuto was never a man to go back on his promises, and there was one promise that he especially wanted to keep. Which promise? Like any Amuto fan would be likely to forget - the _I'll make you love me_ promise. Yeah, you know the one. That's right, now we _really_ know exactly how this ends.

But Ikuto had a problem. What would be a sufficiently surprising and awe-inducing act that would make Amu love him even after he basically ditched everyone in Japan for five years to chase after a man he hadn't seen or heard from since he was a preteen himself? How would he be able to showcase his awesomeness and get the now seventeen-year-old and likely-to-have-bigger-breasts Amu? Sure, he'd angsted a lot and thought over how much he was missing his little strawberry (because this _has_ to come up in the story) but he'd never come up with a plan. Now he was back in Japan for no discernible reason, fatherless, penniless, friendless and Yoru-less. He just wanted to see his little strawberry again.

He hadn't stopped anywhere to drop off his things. All his luggage and his violin case was still with him. As he walked aimlessly in the street and sometimes glanced up at the moon (look, they connect! Connect, I say!) he caught sight of one particular album song. _Perfect_, he thought.

He stuck a hand out onto the road and_... a magical purple triple-decker bus instantly appeared, almost knocking him over. A conductor in a purple uniform leapt out of the bus and began to speak loudly into the night. "Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard..."_

_"Hey, you're in the wrong fanfiction corner, Stan," said Ikuto. Stan Shunpike looked at Ikuto for a moment before drawing his wand._

_"Obliviate!"_

... a taxi stopped for him. He would be going to Amu's place first thing. Oh, how he missed his little strawberry.

Utau? Utau who?

**-lll-**

Here, the fact that Amu is alone and still misses Ikuto is slammed into our faces repeatedly. Oh, and she has bigger boobs. Much bigger boobs. Incidentally, she was thinking about Ikuto as she unlocked the door to her house. Her parents were... somewhere else, probably with Ami. Either that or they let their seventeen-year-old, voluptuous daughter rent an apartment by herself (because Tsumugu Hinamori really seems like that kind of a person).

In the living room she saw...

"Ikuto!" she gasped, shocked, horrored. "W-w-what are y-y-you d-doing here?" Oh, careful Amu, the attack of the stutters might return full-force again.

Ikuto leaned in close, whispering seductively, "Shh, don't say a thing." He silently congratulated her on achieving such huge knockers in five years. With that out of the way, he wanted to impress upon Amu what an awesome guy he was. He wanted his first words to Amu in _five years_ to be perfect. Sure, they hadn't met in all that time and he'd only ever texted her and he knew nothing of her life or the lives of her friends. Tadase got hitched? The Guardians are finally not elementary students? Baby sister had her first kiss from a willing participant? Who cares? All that mattered was impressing his, well, not so little strawberry.

With this in mind, he pressed the play button on the CD player and the first strains of music could be heard. He knew how to make an _entrance_.

_I'm bringing sexy back__  
Them other boys don't know how to act  
__I think it's special what's behind your back  
So turn around and i'll pick up the slack._

_Take em' to the bridge_

Amu was completely entranced. He moved so... so smoothly. Seductively. It set her seventeen-year-old, hormone-filled heart racing. She totally forgave him for just taking off and leaving her completely alone for five years during which time she could have been abused and raped by random strangers. This song totally proved that he loved her.

_Dirty babe  
__You see these shackles__  
Baby I'm your slave  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way  
_

And so he leaned in and kissed her. And they made out. All was right with the world once more. Aruto? What about him? It's all good as long as they kiss in the end. Don't y'all just love happy endings?_  
_


	8. Missing Paragraphs: Reward Offered

**A/N:** I apologise to you all in advance for the big block of text below. Have courage.

**Thank you to En ar Ciel****, my fabulous new beta. She is a goddess among people.**

* * *

**Missing Paragraphs: Reward Offered**

It was a normal day and the Shugo Chara cast were taking a break from all the romance that they were forced to undergo in most fanfiction. Kukai was being a coach potato and flipping through television channels in an attempt to find something to watch. He looked up, however, when he heard the sound of running. Utau burst in, her eyes wide with panic as she shouted, "We've lost our paragraphs!" Kukai stared at her. "What're you talking about, woman?" "That!" she exclaimed. "Can't you see? Each time somebody new speaks or a new topic is introduced it is supposed to be placed in a new paragraph!" "Golly gosh, you're right!" he exclaimed right back. "Look how difficult it is to read something like this? My eyes are already tired and watering. Plus, you can barely tell who's talking," she said, shaking her head sadly. "Gee whiz, captain, you're right again!" he replied, shocked. "And this is just with two people talking," Utau continued ominously. "Imagine if there were three people in this room... or more." "That sounds horrible! Oh, whatever can we do?" Kukai shouted, his hands coming up to cheeks to express how truly shocked he was. Utau shot him a suspicious look. "Are you making fun of me?" "Me?" he asked innocently. "Why would I do that?" Then the door opened once more and Kairi and Yaya entered, the latter eating cotton candy. Utau groaned and covered her eyes. "Hey~!" Yaya greeted them enthusiastically. Kairi frowned. "What's wrong with the paragraphing?" he asked, confused. "We've lost them," explained Utau. "Lost them? How're you supposed to lose paragraphs?" asked Yaya. "I don't know, alright?" Utau snapped. "This is fanfiction – if it made sense, it wouldn't _be_ fanfiction!" Kairi sighed and adjusted his glasses. "Alright, calm down. What does the paragraph look like?" "It's a rectangular button with the word ENTER emblazoned on it," said Utau quickly, "and I can't find it _anywhere_." "Oh, the horror!" gasped Kukai. "Yaya doesn't get it," she said, tilting her head in confusion. "Well, the lack of paragraphing is what is causing the author to try and find actions for us to accomplish as we speak, in an attempt to lighten the confusion and inform the readers as to who is talking at the moment," said Utau, nodding sagely. "I see, I see. Imagine what it would be like if the author wasn't aware of the horrors of no paragraphing? Apart from making the eyes hurt, of course," Kairi added, looking very intelligent indeed as his glasses flashed in the light. "I wonder if anybody's still reading this after so many non-paragraphed lines?" said Kukai, attempting to look through the fourth wall. Utau hit him. "Stop breaking the fourth wall, already," she said. "This isn't the time." "But you guys keep doing it...!" he protested. "It's only okay when we do it. We're subtle," said Kairi meaningfully. Yaya had enough. "Come on, let's look for it already! Yaya's head is starting to hurt from all the text!" she wailed. "Just be thankful that the capitals are in the right place, the grammar is mostly correct and that punctuation exists in this piece of writing," said Utau. "Let's find the others and ask them if they've seen the paragraphs," suggested Kairi. Utau sighed. "Well, we have no other leads, so I guess this is our only option," she admitted. "Yay, an excursion!" said Kukai cheerfully. Utau rolled her eyes. "C'mon, we'll find Amu first." **-lll-** They found Amu fishing in a river with Nagihiko and asked her whether she'd seen the button. Yes, the author is using indirect speech to lower the amount of dialogue in this block of text. Ingenious, isn't it? "Sorry, I haven't seen anything of the sort," said Amu sadly. Nagihiko just shook his head mutely. "Oh, right," said Utau, disappointed. "Because I'm developing the worst migraine from this chapter." "Oh no!" said Kukai dramatically. Utau shot him a dirty look. "It's bad enoughI have to put up with you whenever I'm not being a bitchy obstacle in the way of Amuto, but in my break? God, I need some caffeine or I'll lose it," she muttered, jaw clenched. "Lose what?" asked Kukai. Utau took a deep, if not so calming breath. "Lose my mind," she managed to say evenly. "Oh? Didn't know you had one," he replied cheerfully. Rather than turning around and attempting to throttle Kukai, she chose instead to stomp away and yell at the top of her powerful lungs, "I need coffee _NOW_!" The others were helpless but to follow her. **-lll-** They found Rima loitering around the coffee machine with Tadase. They had been enjoying a kind of awkward silence before Utau and co interrupted them by asking if either of them had seen the big red button. They said they hadn't. "And co? I'm an 'and co'?" screeched Amu. "I'm the main character! Not that you could tell if you read any of this author's stories. They never focus on me. Me and _my _problems. That's what the show is about!" Ah, but the author was only intending to save space. "Then why couldn't it be _Amu_ and co? Seriously! Why do you like Utau more than me? She wasn't even _nice_ at the beginning of the show! And you're not even funny!" Utau laid a calming hand on her shoulder. "Look, let's save that for a later chapter. Right now, we need to focus on finding the paragraphs. Ratings are dropping like flies because people can't stand to read this kind of thing." Amu drooped, her fighting spirit gone. "I guess you're right. Who else can we ask?" "Well, who's missing?" asked Utau. They looked at each other and started to count. Amu, Utau, Kukai, Tadase, Rima, Nagihiko, Yaya, Kairi... Well, the adults wouldn't know anything. They were _adults_ and therefore obviously utterly useless. So that left... "Ikuto," they chorused. "But where would a thieving cat be?" wondered Rima. Amu and Utau exchanged glances. "If we know anything about this author," said Amu, "we know where Ikuto would likely appear." The others in the group looked clueless. Utau sighed for the umpteenth time. "Follow me," she ordered. **-lll-** "Where're we going?" asked Yaya. "Up some stairs," answered Rima, her breathing just a little heavy. "Yaya knows that much, but where do the stairs lead?" said the girl, pouting. "To the roof," answered Tadase kindly. Or as kindly s he could, considering that this was the first time he'd spoken throughout the chapter. And _Amu_ was complaining? Then they emerged into the light. And there in front of them was a sleeping Ikuto, just as Amu and Utau had predicted. After all, what would Ikuto do in his spare time if not sleep on a roof? As they crept closer, they saw that he was cradling a red button, the word ENTER clearly printed on top. How he had gotten it and why he was hugging it was a question probably best left unanswered. Utau reached down and deftly took it. Then, with a certain amount of ceremony, she pressed the button.

"Testing, testing, is it working?" Utau asked the air.

"It is! Look," said Kairi, face alight with wonder and relief.

"Oh. My. God. That is so fantabulously awesome!" Kukai cried out happily.

"There's space," marvelled Tadase. "Everything's not so... cramped and confusing!" He almost didn't mind that it was only his second line in the chapter.

"Things will be back to normal now," breathed Amu in relief.

Ikuto snored and shifted slightly in his sleep, therebyending his contribution to the chapter.

"Okay, good work, everyone!" said Utau. "We still have fifteen minutes of b

reak left."

"...What was that?" asked Yaya, sliding clos

er to Kairi.

"There it is again!" said Nagihiko, who could give Tadase a run for his money in t

he least number of lines spoken by a character.

"W-what's happening," stuttered Amu, backing away.

"I think... the paragraphs are going out of contro

l!" shouted Kairi.

"Like, oh mah gawd, how could this be happening to me? I'm t

oo pretty to be split up!" yelled Kukai in despair.

"Is Kukai broken?" asked Yaya, looking slightly worrie

dly at him.

"You can't break something that was never funct

ional in the first place," said Utau, wincing as she w

as split off mid-sentence again.

"Tht waz ttly rud i shud ttly blok u!1!" sc

reamed Kukai, even as the air split in two and the se

ntence was unnaturally torn apart.

"Okay, something's wrong with him!" sai

d Nagihiko.

"Something's wrong wit

h _us_!" Tadase retorted.

Utau looked down at t

he red button. "I think it's going ha

ywire!"

"bzkfbafsifhjbg!" sai

d Kukai.

"Yaya's scared!" she annou

nced, trying to scream over t

he rips in the air.

"Don't worry, j

ust run! Get away fro

m here!" ordere

d Utau.

"GO!"

The s

ky

s

p

l

i

t

.

**-lll-**

You sit there disbelievingly, staring at the five words displayed on the screen: 'Sorry, we're having technical difficulties'. Through reading this chapter, you have come to realise how important it is to place paragraphs in their correct places. You swear to yourself never to underestimate the powers of the 'Enter' key. You realise that if you are less than confident in your paragraphing skills, you can always practice using this very piece of writing. You can add paragraphs to the first blob of text, and remove them from the latter part of the story. If you do this right, you may end up with a perfectly balanced piece of writing.

Also, you learn that chatspeak should not be used while writing a decent story. Ever. More importantly, you learn to, if in doubt, look for Ikuto on the roof.

You learn all this. And then, as you navigate away from this page to read some other fanfic, this knowledge will slip from your mind and you will take with you only the lingering sensation of unease as you either ignore the Enter key or press it one too many times. Always remember; paragraphs are just a button away.


	9. Food, Stones, and Orbs

**A/N:** Here we are! Another chapter. ^^ This is more a pet peeve of mine than anything else, so. You know. Not terribly important. At least it's short?

**I have a shrine dedicated to En ar Ciel****. She is the best (only) beta I've ever had. :P  
**

* * *

**Food, Stones, and Orbs**

Kukai blinked a few times when he woke up and looked around. His room looked a bit... green. He shrugged it off, putting it down to a prank by one of his brothers. He headed to the bathroom, splashed some water on his face and then looked in the mirror.

His scream could be heard for miles.

**-lll-**

"_What the hell is going on?_" demanded Utau, adjusting her sunglasses fitfully.

"I don't know, okay?" replied a rather panicked Tadase, his own sunglasses flashing in the light.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod," chanted Amu, shaking. She felt tears slide down her face as she rocked herself frantically. The rest of the group stared at her in horror.

"Amu-chan!" yelled Nagihiko. "Your tears are..."

She looked up, confused. Her confusion greatly decreased when Yaya wiped a tear on her finger and licked at it. "Honey," she declared. The group made disgusted faces.

"Yaya, what the hell do you think you're doing?" snapped Rima. "That's _horrible_!"

"I was just making sure," protested the girl. "And it's not like I'm that much better off or anything!" she said defiantly, lifting her sunglasses and watching as everybody else backed off in horror.

Her eyes were amber orbs. They were _literally_ amber orbs. Orbs made of amber. Pure amber. Except her left orb, which still had a fossilised bug floating in it.

The door banged open and Kukai rushed in, his clothing haphazard and his hair untamed. Most noticeable, however, were his orbs. One was pure emerald, and the other was made of _olive_. "What's with my eyes?" he yelped in a high pitch. Then he noticed Yaya's amber orbs and Amu's tears of honey and collapsed against the doorway.

Tadase stood up, ripping his sunglasses off as well. "You think you've got it bad? Look at my left eye!" he yelled. While his right orb was a solid ruby, his left was a sphere of blood. In reaction to the brightness of the room without the sunglasses, a few drops overflowed and ran down his face, causing many of the others to go green.

"Well, my eyes are nuts," spat Rima.

"Everyone's eyes are going nuts," barked Utau.

"No, mine are _nuts_," she reiterated, taking off her sunglasses. Both her eyes had been replaced with perfectly round hazelnuts, and the room shuddered in sympathy.

There was a yelp from the door as Kukai was pushed into the room from behind by Nagihiko. "My eyes!" he cried. "My eyes are melting!"

He had covered them with his hands, but the group could plainly see the chocolate oozing from between his fingers. Amu's sobs renewed, aware that her clothes were becoming sticky with honey while everyone else's eyes watered in sympathy, sometimes with disastrous results. Such as Utau doubling over in pain clutching at her eyes while her sunnies fell unheeded onto the floor.

"Utau?" Everyone swung to look at the doorway, where Ikuto stood unabashedly, his solid amethyst orbs watching her worriedly. He didn't even seem to care that his eyes had suddenly morphed into valuable jewels.

Utau looked up and Ikuto sucked in a breath. Her eyes were violets. Living violets. The flowers had, with the watering of her tears, sought to grow larger, straining against the barriers that had been set for them as orbs. She was furious, her violets pulsing with her anger. Everyone winced.

"I will make them pay," she vowed. "I will make whoever did this_ p—__beep _ beep beep." 

_Beep beep beep_. _Beep beep beep._

Kairi startled awake, immediately shutting off his alarm. He fell back on the bed, trying to calm his heartbeat.

That had been the strangest dream he'd ever had. Once again, he was thankful that he wasn't a very popular character to write about, since that meant so many less atrocities happened to him.

He headed to the bathroom, splashed some water on his face, and then looked into the mirror.

Where his eyes should've been were miniature forests. While he watched, a tiny squirrel cracked open a nut.

His scream could be heard for miles.


End file.
